Standing up to tall order

a_beautiful_mind_by_moonywolfAn overdue post, but I have no one but myself to blame. Reading new novels has taken a hit as I take to other priorities in life. Sigh! Now this is what a typical corporate job feels like, this is what they talked about when they said that your patience reduces, you are tired, grumpy and feel like you are drawn into a never ending vortex.

So much for the bitching! Now the good part – tonnes to learn, have great mentor(s) (so far) and the freedom to apply things in a creative manner. I have not seen the politics part much, just a shade of it till now and that means I am still not aware of my environment fully. With the environment that we have, its hard to imagine that things are as straight as they seem. Inevitably, one does find that out. Not that I enjoy it, or do I? Probably gives me a kick to know how the power struggle goes on behind the scenes. As long as I am not dragged into it, I am fine with it. What I understand is that one should understand these dynamics well enough to avoid being dragged into a slug fest with colleagues.

Nevertheless, there is confusion on some facets and I wish to deliberate on the same:

  • Learning conversation tricks while maintaining my core. (Read be diplomatic without being diplomatic with yourself)
  • Aligning your choices smoothly with others and not feeling bad about it. i.e. choosing where my priorities lie.
  • Be easy on myself and not create unnecessary pressure.

Let’s start with the first one – I think the biggest issue that I face with that is 1) I am not able to solve everything like James Bond 2) I am in two minds – to change or not to change or rather how to change without changing. It’s confusing.

Firstly the prior issue – I have no idea how these things should be handled e.g. how to avoid someone asking to manage my money. I don’t want to talk about my money with you but I am forced to coz you are a senior, how to politely say no? I think I am little absent minded at times and do not mind my tongue that much. Need to think and live in the present before I say or choose my words. Also accepting that these things  are always murky is good. I set such high expectations and become externally driven, that I suffocate my confidence in the long run.

To change or not – I guess this is inevitable but I do not have a formula for this. When you start thinking before speaking, you loose your spontaneity, which I don’t want. So the point is that the earlier things should be spontaneous as well as thought out – combined in one! That’s tough. Probably my brain is not hot wired enough to handle that….I have no idea how to teach me that thing. Probably I can identify broad categories wherein I need to be careful, thoughtful and places where I need not be. Thinking before important meetings would be useful too, not just my type of thinking but a bit more strenuous thinking, which does not come naturally to me i.e. more science than art. Need to force myself to think that way really! I really need to put thought into this.

What is it that I like? I want to be challenged,  diversity does bring me that challenge. Yes, sector knowledge would not grow, but this is nice. I want to keep it broad.

Perhaps the toughest one. Unless I have confidence of a few projects, I can’t do this. Need to meditate and keep focus on one thing at a time. Ciao!


The Problem With Change

Change is not that good

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Change is a good thing, may be, the best of things. But is it redemption? It’s too early to tell.

Supposedly, we are required to come out of our comfort zone but it’s not that simple. Some introspection is required regarding why should we strive for things beyond our comfort zone?

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New Job Update – Painful Decisions

Most of my posts are a way to deal with the negative in my life, and these quite aptly reflect the kind of person I am – mostly inclined towards the pessimistic side. I am trying to toy around with the few things but at the core, it’s hard to change who I am. This is one such post – even though there is some light and momentum in my life, it’s the empty half that is pinching me badly.

I’ll start off with the good news – I’ve given up my job at the present firm and relocating to a better back office job. Yeah, no front end masala in my life as yet but it is a significant improvement nonetheless.

Now, the other aspect – I would have to move to another city, a costlier city and there is no salary increase. Hence, it pinches. To add insult to injury, I was not the first choice for this role. Some IIM guy was and he rejected it due to low salary and perks. I had made up my mind on rejecting this offer but then my ego caved in. It felt like chewing glass while making this compromise but I guess it’s a price I need to pay.

But I wonder if it’s healthy in the long i.e. to hire a person like me under such circumstances. I am setting foot in a very despicable state of mind, feeling cheated and belittled. I am trying my best to look at the glass half full but it’s not working for now. If the actual work does not turn out to be like the way I have imagined it to be, it would really become a very stinky hole to breathe in. However, the chances for the role to be worse than the present one are quite rare, – given the low bar set in the past.

There are some explicit benefits also – I get more security with this new role, a better platform, a bigger brand name wherein I can launch my career into a plethora of directions in the future. Also, it’s a generic role and will involve learning new skills and stuff. So, that’s exciting.

Some other random stuff….

The salary negotiation process was very uncomfortable as I was doing it for the first time. I had a feeling that HR tried her best as I did reject the first offer they sent. If I had a good job profile, I might have negotiated more acutely. Rejecting it a second time seemed a bit a risky and I never fancied my luck on that. Even the solitary quip by HR – Congratulations and welcome to *#$#@(%(%( drew no reaction from me. I was more focused on controlling my tongue than letting any elation seep in, which was, well, atrophied by the final figure that the HR quoted.

Leaving a set life behind is not easy either, all your friends, the stability and laziness. I guess it’s a new journey and I am feeling the growing pains. I hope I am able to keep my ego in check and get the best out of this opportunity. Till next time…

The Illusion of Hard Work – Part II


Credits –

I was just reading the previous article with the same heading over here. During the read, some more questions popped up in my mind which needed further analysis. Among the various questions at hand, the one that troubled me the most was this one – Have I been running away from challenges my entire life? I mean, if I could not find any particular area wherein I have worked really hard and achieved something, then surely, something is definitely wrong.

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My Doubts on Creating this Blog

The onset of this blog is quite haphazard and makes we wonder as to how little I think before venturing into something and at the same time how good a guide raw intuition is. I wanted to do something like this, but didn’t know what exactly. I thought I would copy farnamstreet and probably create something similar.

Without surprise, that plan backfired big time. Personally, copying others is not really a healthy conduit for my own creativity. While borrowing ideas from others is very common, setting up the soul of your work similar to someone else is definitely not sustainable in the long run.

With every action carrying so much weight, it becomes imperative to lay out a certain structure for the entire process. Not only does it involve money and my limited mental energy, it also saps the most precious resource i.e. time. Hence, let’s focus our energy on the same.

I am not sure as to how exactly I want this blog to look in the near future but I want it as a platform that would allow me to put my random thoughts into a concrete form. And while I am at it, churning out something useful for people in the same boat is definitely not a bad idea. Some things like Tax, Investments, job search, interview prep can be quite useful really. Let’s see how this pans out. I’m pretty sure there are quite a few keywords I can potentially target with this kind of a setup. There is lots of work to be done, let’s wait and watch.

On the monetization part of it, as long as I don’t have to spend money while maintaining it, I am good with it. My other website compensates for this pursuit and will hopefully continue to do the same till this one starts paying for itself.

I am not really sure if I would love to pay for this from my own pocket really if I were not earning anything in return. The maintenance is roughly $125 per year, which is not too small an amount for me as of this stage of my life. With some trickery, I can take it down to $40 roughly but that soaks up a lot of my time. Still early days for this setup actually.

If I break it down even further, I would need to spend roughly $10 per month (at worse) to keep this thing floating. I think I can do that from my own pocket too in the long run. Not that bad really. It would all depend on my motivation level and how I plan to play this forward. Chow chow till then.

The Illusion of Hard Work


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Somewhere down the line during my upbringing, things got messed up – by me, of course. The things that I did, most of them, did not involve too much of hard work. At least by my bandwidth standards, I definitely was not uncomfortable during most situations. Even if there was a task I was not able to learn like swimming for example, eventually, I was able to accomplish it without much rigorous effort. Just like that!

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The Thin Membrane between Intuition and Acquired Knowledge


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I think I got it from my mother, I saw her doing it often – trying to make guesstimates about things that you she knew nothing about based on things that she did know about. More often than not, these deductions were pretty logical, consistent and followed a good linear thought.

The problem is – it’s hard to be right in such a scenario, consistently (even remotely). 

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Reflecting on Staying Quiet Conundrum

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There is a big problem with me at times – I just can’t speak up in certain situations. I get a brain freeze and don’t know how to react. Weird assumptions guide me, assumptions that exist only inside my mind and have no practical side to it. It seems a bit arcane as I try to imagine the scenario really but most of the times I am afraid – afraid of being judged, of being labelled with an opinion or of getting in an argument.

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